first i went to my friend trevor's wedding. im excited for him, he seemed really happy. there was alot of people there. most of us were friends and used to hang out, and for some reason or another that stopped. it was a collection of people pretending for a day we were all still friends, nothing is more depressing than meaningless small talk.
after that i went to a local show in sea isle, it was fun.
it was a mix of ska, hardcore, folk/punk, and indie bands. this one girl played , her set was really good but she began talking shit on kids moshing for the hardcore bands. me and george confronted her outside, not in a mean way, i guess just to explain ourselves. she referred to us as a bunch of ex jocks who liked to mindlessly hurt people smaller than us. it bothered me because that was the farthest thing from the truth. most of us were nothing but kids who felt like outcasts, losers, we just didn't fit in. as far as i saw it we were all on the same side, i thought it was cool there was such a diverse line up in a show and everyone was having fun. she was the one building walls, not us. george simply said to her "you know im not a bad person", and its true, he has a huge heart. the whole situation led me to think about why i mosh and enjoy aggressive music (yes i know this sounds corny). Im a quiet, reserved nerd. I love video games, i grew up playing dungeons and dragons, zelda, magic the gathering, and always loved reading and the arts. i try my best to be good to other people and do whats right, and it always ended up in me getting walked all over. for those 15 minutes of a bands set i just get to liberate myself from all the stress and bullshit i dwell on. I run around like an idiot and flail my arms around because its one of the few ways i know how to free myself. i just kinda black out when i mosh, i lose myself. when a band i love plays i get to lose myself , I let out a lot of the anger and frustration that i bottle up inside and drive myself crazy with. It one of the few things that keeps me going and breaths life into me, it sounds lame but im always thankful i found punk/hardcore music.
anyway, i had a good night. good talks with friends, great music, and for a second being able to forget all the troubles on my mind.
today in the shower i started zoning out thinking about the future. I thought of where i wanted to be and the things i always hoped i would accomplish. i always wanted a family i could take care of and treat right. a kid i would love the hell out of and try my best to bring up as a good guy. a wife i adore and love. sometimes im not sure if im going to get those things. i than started thinking about all the 2012 bull shit, not that im some firm believer in it, but what if it was true. what if the overall destiny of makind ontop of my small life prevented me from the things i always hoped to have. what if just in general, in some sense or another, my dreams were doomed from the start.
i feel a sense of panic, i feel disoriented, i think i might hate my life right now.
ive been writing my thoughts down in a small note book, i thought it would help get rid of the turmoil ive been feeling in my head. as the amount of free pages to write in dwindles the feeling doesnt seem to even budge
"all day long we talk about mercy, lead me to water lord i sure am thirtsy"
my morning starts off with me getting stuck in the basement of the apartment building i live in, which made me a little late for work. soon after i get to work to hear this one co worker said a bunch of dumb stuff, which seems like its been happening alot lately (people saying dumb stuff). my boss calls me in to tell me im getting a promotion, awesome right?! well a half hour some stuff happened with this one guy in the office whose place i was gonna take, and guess what? im not getting that promotion now. cause of stupid football it was really busy, all day. which is always kind of annoying.
within 30 mins, i found so much hope and something to be pumped on, and it was smashed in a second. this past month and 4 have been pretty rough. this is all just a bunch of whining and woe is me shit i know, but at the moment, i felt like i was part of some big joke. like god,universe, whatever you want to call it , got bored, and need a good prank to keep him occupied. i think im a good guy, i try my best, i just want to not feel like shit for a day.